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Post by ozneil on Sept 23, 2013 0:25:37 GMT -1
Back to humour?for P definitely non "U"
YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs ......
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Sept 28, 2013 7:49:26 GMT -1
Guy gets a phone call from the local hospital to inform him that his wife has been involved in an extremely serious car accident. He's told to get there as quickly as possible. He rushes to the hospital where he's met by the surgeon who has just come out of the operating theatre.
"I'm afraid your wife is now in intensive care., She's extremely critical".
"Christ almighty .. Will nothing shut that bloody woman up?"
........
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Post by bormes on Sept 30, 2013 9:27:57 GMT -1
Apparently the Popemobile has 3" thick armour plating,,,,,,
Kind of makes me think,,,,,
That's faith!!
Why the Vatican does not wish men to wear condoms is because boys do not get pregnant.
Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing SOLELY on one of them!!
FEMINISM: Because all women can not be beautiful!!
Tam Cowan jokes.
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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Oct 1, 2013 10:39:48 GMT -1
One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.
He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard....
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the man
"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?"
"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, "Father???"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
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Post by ozneil on Nov 16, 2013 1:25:46 GMT -1
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2013 21:59:20 GMT -1
AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! ;D Brilliant!
I'm shit at Ikea here in Glasgow. I have my wee map thingy but I still get hopelessly lost and disorientatit if I dare to defy the arrows on the floor and go the 'wrong' way...
The wean, though, who's big on 3D, what with her gaming/computer modelling skills, has no bother at all in finding her way about.
I was the exact same on that Eurodisney "It's a Small World".
Needless to say, I don't 'do' mazes either. Or hallucinatory drugs.
They all f*ck with your head. ;D
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Post by notanimby on Nov 16, 2013 22:47:50 GMT -1
AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA! ;D Brilliant! I'm shit at Ikea here in Glasgow. I have my wee map thingy but I still get hopelessly lost and disorientatit if I dare to defy the arrows on the floor and go the 'wrong' way... The wean, though, who's big on 3D, what with her gaming/computer modelling skills, has no bother at all in finding her way about. I was the exact same on that Eurodisney "It's a Small World". Needless to say, I don't 'do' mazes either. Or hallucinatory drugs. They all f*ck with your head. ;D A wee tip you may find useful....... Don't defy the arrows on the flerr. |
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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Nov 19, 2013 20:26:47 GMT -1
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck."
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Post by ozneil on Nov 26, 2013 19:51:19 GMT -1
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2013 20:27:54 GMT -1
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Post by bormes on Nov 29, 2013 21:12:03 GMT -1
In Gregg's a Pakistani stole 3 pasties and put them in his pocket, the guy behind him sniggered.
The P turned to him and said, no one seen me mate why you laf?
Wee guy says I'll show ye some magic man.
P says on ye go then.
Wee guy says to Gregg's assistant, hey Hen gees 3 Pasties will ye?
She does.
He quickly eats them and says dae ye want tae see some magic then?
Aye says the P
Yous wull huv tae pey fur thim says the assistant.
Naw he'll pey fur thim says the wee guy, cause he's got the three Pasties in his pocket, now that's Magic.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2013 23:13:49 GMT -1
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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Dec 7, 2013 6:40:19 GMT -1
That really is funny !!! And they spell whisky wrong ! Meanwhile in another corner of the USA. (True trale it says here.....) An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.... Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times. Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had." Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what! The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) ... "When you are shot 68 times, you are naturally gonna die." ;D ;D ;D ;D |
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Post by ozneil on Dec 10, 2013 4:17:45 GMT -1
Is this funny  The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup,’ was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important |
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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Dec 10, 2013 5:38:27 GMT -1
Is this funny The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup,’ was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important Opinion be divoided ! Meanwhile Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. The iTit considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them… |
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