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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Oct 11, 2010 12:30:29 GMT -1
[glow=red,2,300]Medical Matters....[/glow]
John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won't get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.
He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor's examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man's butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!
"You know John," said the doctor, "you're really going to have to learn to trust me." _________________________
•"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
•Patient: "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." Doctor: "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
•The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
•A Short History of Medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache." ◦2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." ◦1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." ◦1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." ◦1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." ◦1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." ◦2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" ____________________________________________________
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Post by heidie on Oct 13, 2010 1:53:02 GMT -1
A wee boy is goin by a skip when he keeks in an sees a welduurs helmit,he grabs it an is goin doon the road makin darth vaduur noises.. A lorry pulls up an ra drivuur asks the boay if he wants a lift,the boay sais aye an hops in...as ther goin along ra road the drivuur sais tae ra weeboy,"dae ye know whit fellatio is son"? The wee boay looks roon at him an sais "Ahm no a real welduur Mr"
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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Oct 14, 2010 12:38:51 GMT -1
Three guys were having a beer in a bar in London . They were all relative newly-weds and they were talking about their wives. The first man said he'd married a woman from India . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from the Phillipines. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw that his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man married a girl from Partick . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said that the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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Post by ozneil on Oct 20, 2010 20:55:46 GMT -1
London Taxi Driver
A stark naked,drunken woman, jumped into a Vacant Taxi at a London Cab Rank.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from". "Well if your not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
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Post by heidie on Oct 21, 2010 4:37:29 GMT -1
A class of five-year old students are learning to read.
One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
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Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2010 16:13:40 GMT -1
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
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Post by funnybunny on Oct 22, 2010 6:52:01 GMT -1
London Taxi Driver A stark naked,drunken woman, jumped into a Vacant Taxi at a London Cab Rank. The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the Cab. "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from". "Well if your not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with." Why does the taxi driver have to be Indian?? What does that add to the joke?? Why not make him an Abo??
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Post by ozneil on Oct 22, 2010 7:25:07 GMT -1
Why does the taxi driver have to be Indian?? What does that add to the joke?? Why not make him an Abo?? Coz I cant be bothered re typing easier to cut & paste Try to find a polite Brit, he is polite, like most Indians, and not stupid I dont think there are many Abo taxi drivers in London. You did realise it is a joke not a social statement???
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Post by funnybunny on Oct 22, 2010 21:29:05 GMT -1
Hard to tell it was a joke ozman cos jokes are funny
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Post by ozneil on Oct 22, 2010 22:33:43 GMT -1
Hard to tell it was a joke ozman cos jokes are funny You had a sense of humour bye-pass then? What makes you laugh? Be positive not negative.
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Post by ozneil on Oct 23, 2010 1:42:10 GMT -1
Ok Hunny Bunny hows about this
An Irishman a Scot & a Pom walk into a Pub in New South Kensington the Australian Aboriginal barmaid looks up and says "Is this some kind of a joke?"
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Post by ozneil on Oct 23, 2010 1:53:33 GMT -1
Then there is this one
An American lady met a Scot in a kilt and asked him "is it true nothing is worn under kilt "?
Scot "nae lassie everything is in first class working order!"
OR
An American lady met a Scot in a kilt and asked him "is it true nothing is worn under kilt "?
Scot "Pit yer haund under lassie & find out"
Lady does so & says "gee thats gruesome!"
Scot "Pit yer haund back Lassie its grewsam mair"
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Post by bormes on Oct 23, 2010 6:10:14 GMT -1
Funny Bunny, get a fu**ing grip, don't start messing on this site with people's humour, if you don't like it don't read it you sound like P** from another place, stay there if you are easily offended or are offended on behalf or some.
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Post by heidie on Oct 23, 2010 12:04:27 GMT -1
The Kindness of a Little Jewish Girl
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.
'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'
'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.’
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Post by bormes on Oct 23, 2010 14:46:24 GMT -1
Noted on another post, the fastest thing on the planet, well Do you know what the lightest thing on the planet is?
No it is not a gas,
It is ,
A man's Willie, because,
It only takes a thought to lift it !!
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