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Post by Sir Henry Rawlinson on Jan 26, 2014 5:36:35 GMT -1
Happy Australia day
Tho quite why you need a public holiday for ending parole I don't know.
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Post by peony on Jan 26, 2014 13:52:14 GMT -1
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farm-house, rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “you can go and join the other chickens that are around the back.”
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Post by notanimby on Jan 26, 2014 14:38:31 GMT -1
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £150!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC/AA/AAA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the tat table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2014 17:26:08 GMT -1
Take a bow, Nota.  Takes a lot to make ME laugh after 15 straight days' graft, but that post just did! Tim Vine, some, if not all of them, I guess? He cracks me up every time. BTW, couple of words went a bit bonqueros there for which I owe an explanafication: I've replaced certain spammer words with something else till I get around to deleting em entirely: boggin'=boggin' tats=tat (oooh, haha! I forgot it'd come out like that...what a diddy I am...cheep is now boggin. K1tch.ens now tat. |
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Post by notanimby on Jan 26, 2014 18:12:46 GMT -1
Take a bow, Nota. Takes a lot to make ME laugh after 15 straight days' graft, but that post just did! Tim Vine, some, if not all of them, I guess? He cracks me up every time. BTW, couple of words went a bit bonqueros there for which I owe an explanafication: I've replaced certain spammer words with something else till I get around to deleting em entirely: boggin'=boggin' tats=tat (oooh, haha! I forgot it'd come out like that...what a diddy I am...cheep is now boggin. K1tch.ens now tat. Got them in an email from my mad uncle in peterheid, I've forwarded on some of his mentalness before................ A circus clown held the door open for me the other day, I thought he made a nice jester |
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Post by ozneil on Jan 26, 2014 19:20:21 GMT -1
Happy Australia day Tho quite why you need a public holiday for ending parole I don't know. Thanks was nice. I think it was rather to celebrate getting off the boats ... they werent quite P & O |
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Post by ozneil on Jan 26, 2014 19:28:08 GMT -1
In line with Peony's agricultural joke!
Vet went to artificially inseminate some cows on a farm. The farmer had thoughtfully hammered a nail in the wall of the byer for the vet to hang his trousers on
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Post by bormes on Jan 26, 2014 21:42:36 GMT -1
Blair and Cameron went to the same barber at the same time for haircut and shave.
Blair was asked if he'd like some after shave, he refused saying Cherie would think he had been in a Whore house!!
Cameron was asked the same and he answered, yes go ahead, my wife would not know what a Whore house smelled like!!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2014 17:45:17 GMT -1
In line with Peony's agricultural joke! Vet went to artificially inseminate some cows on a farm. The farmer had thoughtfully hammered a nail in the wall of the byer for the vet to hang his trousers on Replace 'cows' with 'sheep' for the Australian version. <runs away fast> |
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Post by ozneil on Jan 31, 2014 23:21:36 GMT -1
It has been revealed that the guy reputed to be translating speeches at Mandella's funeral into to deaf and dumb was actually an Italian holding a "hands-free" mobile phone converstation
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Post by notanimby on Feb 1, 2014 10:42:07 GMT -1
GLASWEGIAN WEDDING
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the
reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
“A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2014 17:53:27 GMT -1
Definition of a man with manners?
He gets out of the bath to pee...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2014 18:30:33 GMT -1
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2014 18:36:40 GMT -1
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes....
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2014 19:03:33 GMT -1
Got this from a mate in Syd and somehow thought of you, Oz Attachments:
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